The Stephen King Zodiac

New Line Cinema
Happy Birthday Stephen King!

Happy birthday to one of the most prolific and accomplished writers of our time or of any time, Stephen King. Let’s celebrate by pairing the zodiac signs with some of his most beloved screen adaptations of his work. Some of them will be film adaptations, others will be miniseries.

Don’t forget to check your moon and rising as well as your sun sign. You can check your chart placements here.

Aries – Firestarter

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There is a fine line between an adorably cute bundle of energy and a certified pyromaniac. And Aries dances on that line. This is why I had no choice but to pair them with the Drew Barrymore classic Firestarter. Yes, I know there is a remake, but you know I’m going to link the trailer to the Drew Barrymore version. I paired the cardinal fire sign with this film purely because I know every Aries wishes they could set things on fire with their mind.

Taurus – Misery 

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Everyone has that mom-friend. The one who will care for you and nurse you back to health if, for instance, you broke your leg in the dead of winter and were stranded on the side of the road. Now imagine if that mom-friend was…incredibly unhinged. Annie Wilkes is the quintessential unhinged mom-friend! You can play this movie to cheer up your Taurus mom-friends when they are feeling underappreciated. You should always appreciate your Taurus mom-friends… or they might burn your manuscript.

Gemini – The Shining

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When I started writing this article, I thought to myself “Geminis are so eloquent and literarily gifted. Surely, it won’t be too difficult to pair them with a Stephen King adaptation about a writer. Right?!” I was so naive, because there are SO MANY Stephen King stories about writers. So, I decided to pair Gemini with one of the greatest cinematic King adaptations of all time, The Shining. The mutable air sign will relate to Jack’s writing process as well as his erratic nature. 

I hope you are enjoying the Jack Nicholson trailer, because surely you didn’t think I was going to link the Steven Weber travesty, did you?

Cancer – Stand By Me

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Cancer is one of the only two signs on the list that is not paired with a horror film or psychological thriller. Spoiler alert, Pisces is the other sign. Cancerians will enjoy watching a movie about a group of friends whose friendship only grows stronger over the course of an adventure where they travel through the forest in search of a dead body. As the movie progresses, the cardinal water sign will appreciate the strong and compassionate adults that the boys grow up to be.

Leo – Sleepwalkers

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In a list that is full of films and miniseries about killer clowns, vomiting turtles, evil hotels, and suspicious corn, somehow Leo gets paired with the weirdest one. Sleepwalkers is one of the most bonkers adaptations ever put to screen. But Leos will like it because the main antagonists are giant cats… sort of. They are like evil cat demons… who hate actual cats? But Leos will also like this movie because all of the main characters are incredibly attractive. Even when their faces do that weird were-cat thing.

Virgo – Carrie

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Virgos have garnered a reputation for being quite timid and unable to relax. Does that sound like a certain telekinetic, religiously traumatized outcast that we know? Virgo will feel vindicated as they watch an overly-anxious girl get revenge on her tormentors by coming into her own power. Now I linked the trailer for the Sissy Spacek version, but you may also enjoy the Chloë Grace Moretz version or the Angela Bettis version that everyone forgets about for some reason.

Libra – It

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I know what you’re thinking. “How can a story about a killer clown appeal to peaceful Libra?” I’m so glad you asked. So it’s explained better in the more recent films rather than the miniseries. But It, the evil entity that sucks people into its Deadlights, is forever locked in a battle of good vs. evil with a giant benevolent turtle named Maturin who puked the universe into existence… it does sound quite silly when you phrase it that way. Anyway, the cardinal air sign will appreciate the overarching theme of finding a balance between good and evil.

I mean, is that the theme? I don’t know. The story loses me after it mentions a giant puking turtle.

Scorpio – Gerald’s Game

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This is one of Stephen King’s thrillers that everyone thought would never get a screen adaptation. But Netflix decided to take that bet and began streaming it in 2017. Broody Scorpio will enjoy the sensual and cerebral nature of the story as well as the main character’s psychological journey. 

Also, if anyone is thinking about introducing handcuffs into the bedroom, make sure everything is safe, sane, and consensual.

Sagittarius – Children Of The Corn

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It’s corn! A big lump with knobs! It’s got the juice! I can’t imagine a more beautiful thing! 

I wonder if Isaac and Malachi would like that song. Sagittarians are known to be one of the most philosophical signs in the zodiac. So they tend to be attracted to metaphysical and even religious studies. So this film, about a cult of zealous children who worships “he who walks behind the rows,” will have them on the edge of their seats.

And since I already mentioned it, let’s all enjoy the corn song!

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Capricorn – The Stand (1994 Miniseries)

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Fun fact: Did you know that the Major Arcana tarot card for Capricorn is The Devil? You can learn more about that here. Now, I’m not saying that Capricorns are the devil. What I am saying, is that if Capricorns wanted to lead the world into ruin after an apocalyptic catastrophe, all while psychically seducing that lady who was in Just Shoot Me, they would be charismatic enough to do so. I think Capricorns will enjoy The Stand miniseries, as long as they don’t take notes while watching it. 

Aquariusv- The Tommyknockers

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Last night and the night before, tommyknockers tommyknockers, knocking on my door! There were so many movies I could’ve paired Aquarius with. I almost paired them with Maximum Overdrive and Christine. But, Tommyknockers ultimately won out. Aquarians are known to be a little out of this world, so they love any film about aliens. They are also known to be exceptionally bright and innovative so they will be fascinated with the story of a town that gains remarkable insight and abilities after coming into contact with alien technology.

Pisces – The Green Mile

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Pisces is one of the most empathetic signs in the zodiac. So naturally, I had to pair them with the film about possibly one of the most empathetic and sympathetic characters in the Stephen King universe, John Coffey. Pisces will relate to Coffey’s ability to take and transfer pain and illnesses. They will also relate to John Coffey’s speech that ends with “I’m tired of people being ugly to each other.”

I know this article was kind of silly, but I became legitimately weepy while writing this last section.

Ophiuchus – Dreamcatcher

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Ophiuchus is not a real zodiac sign, so they get paired with the movie about alien butt weasels. Yes, you read that right. Butt weasels. This movie has butt weasels.

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