The Discount Candy Horoscope!

The only good thing about Halloween being over is the discounted candy!

Halloween is over. Our costumes are packed up. The days of Hocus Pocus and The Monster Mash are now behind us.

But it feels too early to celebrate Thanksgiving doesn’t it? And it certainly feels too early to celebrate Christmas, no matter what Mariah Carey says. So what can we celebrate? With the world being the way it is, we need to celebrate something or else we will lose our ever-loving minds!

Fear not! For we can celebrate the most blessed autumnal activity of buying discounted Halloween Candy! 

But which Candy should you buy? Don’t indulge in your own preferences! Let this astrology article tell you exactly what will satiate your sweet tooth! Don’t forget to check your moon and rising sign as well as your sun sign. You can check your chart here.

Also, I didn’t know which sign to pair Baby Bottle Pops with so I’m just putting their unhinged advertisement here.


Aries – Sour Patch Kids


First they’re sour, then they’re sweet! Does that sound like a certain cardinal fire sign that we know? Just like Aries, it can be hard to get past these candies’ sour exterior, but if you keep chewing you will experience their inner sweetness.

Taurus – Snickers


Taureans are sweet little hedonistic mom-friends… who can fly off the handle if they get too hangry. But it’s ok. Taureans aren’t themselves when they are hungry. And that is why they get paired with the half candy-half energy bar, Snickers!

Gemini – M&M’S


Geminis are mutable signs, meaning they are adaptable. And M&M’S are nothing if not adaptable. I mean, there are so many different kinds of M&M’S. Plus Geminis have a love for the written word and these little colorful candies have an “M” printed on them. That surely means something right?

Cancer – Skittles


Do you all remember the early to mid-2000’s when the Skittles commercials were, like, super weird and creative? Who else do we know that is super weird and creative? The sweet little moon children of course! And don’t worry, Cancerians, I mean weird in the best possible way.

Leo – Starbursts 


Leos are ruled by the yellow dwarf star at the center of our solar system. They also have a natural star quality about them. So naturally, I had to pair them with Starbursts! But only the pink Starbursts because those are the best!

Virgo – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups


If any candy on this list was considered the most healthy, it would probably be Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, by virtue of the fact that peanut butter is chock full of protein. And Virgos are known to be quite practical and health-conscious, so of course, I had to pair them with the healthy candy option.

Libra – Twix


Libras are known to be quite well-balanced. And Twix happens to be a well-balanced snack. Not because it’s healthy or anything but because two candy bars come in one package. You could hold one candy bar in each hand while snacking so you don’t get knocked off kilter. 

Scorpio – Hershey’s Kiss


If I were to make a list ranking the zodiac signs from worst to best kissers, you know Scorpio would be listed as the best! The zodiac’s biggest flirt has to be paired with a candy that is literally called a “kiss.”

I know it’s not Christmas yet, but I hope you enjoy this iconic Hershey’s Kiss Christmas commercial.

Sagittarius – Red Hots


Sagittarians are known for their wanderlust. And the best candy to eat when you’re feeling a bit sleepy while traveling is a big bag of red hots! Though in all seriousness if you are too tired to drive, you should pull over somewhere and rest.

Capricorn – 100 Grand


Capricorns are ruled by Saturn, the planet of responsibility. And Capricorns are nothing if not responsible. Plus out of all the zodiac signs, Capricorns are the most likely to make an actual 100 grand.

Aquarius – Milky Way


Aquarians often get paired with aliens because they are slightly strange. But they are also out of this world! They can sit and enjoy this yummy candy bar while contemplating the cosmos and singing “Drops of Jupiter!”

Pisces – Swedish Fish


This pairing is a no-brainer. Pisces are sweet little fish! Swedish Fish are sweet little fish. This pairing is a match made in the cosmos. Yeah, there is no other explanation here. The fish get paired with fish. Writing 1000 words is harder than you think.

Ophiuchus – Tootsie Rolls


Ophiuchus gets paired with Tootsie Rolls because no one likes Tootsie Rolls and Ophiuchus doesn’t exist!

You might be wondering why I didn’t pair Candy Corn with Ophiuchus. It’s because everyone has that weird friend who likes Candy Corn, and I didn’t want to equate the weird friends with Ophiuchus.

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