As a plus-size teenager, I learned that wearing black was flattering. It’s a lesson that I internalized so deeply that even now, most of my wardrobe consists of black dresses, black leggings, black tunics… You get the idea.
But what does “flattering” actually mean? It’s a chameleon of a word, with no objective, measurable qualities. It can mean something as relatively harmless as “The color of that scarf looks good with your eyes.” But, most of the time, what it really means is something a lot more insidious.
When a piece of clothing, a haircut, or any other style choice is called “flattering,” the person paying you the compliment probably means well. They may not even realize the subtle implication of what they’re saying, But, in essence, when something is flattering, it makes you look more like the beauty of ideals of our culture. More often than not, that means thinner, younger, and more feminine.
When I was thinking of cutting my long hair, I searched for photos of “flattering haircuts for round faces.” As I browse online clothing stories, I find myself thinking, “That top is too tight, it wouldn’t be flattering.” Even in my own head, I cling to that convenient, all-purpose euphemism like Rose clung to that broken door as the Titanic sank.
Body Policing Harms Everyone
Flattering isn’t just an F-word to plus-size folks. You can find it in every magazine, every ad campaign, every chat between friends. It’s a code word that can apply to anyone’s perceived flaws. It can also be a subtle way to police non-conforming bodies.
This is a bit of a gossip throwback, but do remember when Kristen Stewart emerged from her teenage Twilight years as a bleach blonde, androgynous woman? When she buzzed her hair and bleached the stubble, the gossip world clutched their collective pearls.
Even as she settled into her current style, with the messy, androgynous mop and soft butch fashion, people feel the need to comment about how much more flattering her hair and clothing used to be.
That’s a not-so-subtle way of saying that her fans preferred the feminine Stewart with the shiny hair and cute dresses. It’s barely one step removed from “You’d look so much prettier if you smiled.” Or, to bring it back to those of us with larger bodies, “You’ve got such a pretty face.”
What Can You Say Instead?
Body shaming disguised as compliments is so entrenched in our society that digging it out is like trying to remove overgrown bamboo. The roots go deep and spread wide. So what can you do instead?
First, shift the focus away from people’s bodies. Appearance-based comments might be intended as a compliment, but they can reinforce self-image issues. If you’re aware that your body is too big/small/dark/pale/short/tall/whatever for society’s beauty standards, you are always aware of how you don’t measure up. Being told that you managed to disguise your “flaws” rewards looking less like yourself. These comments can even trigger people who struggle with eating disorders and other mental health issues.
Ideally, you’d tell your friends that they’re strong, smart, courageous, creative, or any other quality we admire in them. Whenever possible, reach for compliments that praise what people do, not how they look.
However, if you find yourself tempted to toss out a compliment to a passing stranger or notice your coworker killin’ it on Zoom, try one of these statements:
- Your makeup looks amazing! You’re really talented.
- That outfit makes me so happy!
- I love your sense of style.
- The color of that dress is gorgeous.
- You have fantastic taste. What’s your fashion inspiration?
- You look so confident today.
