It’s 1 a.m., and you can’t stop thinking about that fight you had at dinner tonight, or maybe last week, or all the worst fights you’ve ever had. Ah, yes. You’re dwelling again. We’re all guilty of it from time to time because looking inward is natural. Dwelling, however, causes stress when we’re already stressed. When we dwell, our negative thoughts get stuck on a seemingly never-ending loop, otherwise known as overthinking.
However, reflecting is healthy. And there’s nothing wrong with ruminating, i.e. thinking deeply. It’s ruminating on negative thoughts that causes internal strife and keeps those who “overthink” up at night or bothered all day.
Ready to move on? Here are some tactics to help you stop dwelling more often than not. But first, let’s talk a little about more rumination for a second.
Related: 11 Natural Remedies for Anxiety
What is Rumination?
When people negatively ruminate, or dwell, they obsess about situations or life events that are beyond their control. Dwelling is the process of not letting go and accepting past or present things that cannot be changed. Someone ruminating may get stuck on one past conversation or traumatic incident and replay it in their minds. Being stuck on a single subject can be emotionally damaging if we don’t let ourselves move on.
I’m a big ruminator (and sometimes overthinker), but I find that thinking about things deeply and repeatedly helps me find answers, closure, and acceptance. The positive effect can bring peace of mind. On the flip side, frequently going over and over something negatively in your mind without progressing positively is bad for your mental health.
Psychologists say the negative thoughts we don’t move on from become more intrusive and cluttered. Anyone who dwells knows that all too well, dwelling can take up way too much space in daily life. So instead of going over the incident, let’s think about the feelings.
When you’re stuck on another rumination loop, try these expert-approved tips to calm your unquiet mind.
Ask Yourself This Question…
Dwelling takes up a significant amount of time and energy. So before you get deeply invested in yet another round of rumination, ask yourself: is this really worth ruminating on? The answer might be no. When we enter dwelling territory, it sometimes helps to pump the brakes for a moment and reason with ourselves, and then ask ourselves why we are going over this again and again.
Being fixated on something can suck up a lot of our energy and focus. Ongoing negative thoughts can also increase anxiety and depression. Acceptance is important and putting things in perspective is key. When you’re able to logically decide it’s not worth dwelling on, you’re making a conscious effort to put the issue back on the shelf instead of holding on. From there, move forward and find something else for your mind to do.
How about a healthy distraction?
Distract Yourself
The idea is to put your full attention elsewhere and lighten the mental load. Oftentimes, seeking out a distraction is the easiest way to put a stop to repetitive thoughts. So put that mental energy to good use and make it a healthy one. And yes, that includes self-care.
Maybe you’ve been putting off a household chore and it’s been giving you anxiety. Now’s the time to tackle it. Find a podcast you’re into and put on those headphones. Go for a walk. Find something to do that’s better for you than dwelling. And even if only for a few minutes, give it your undivided attention. If you can’t fall asleep, count 100 sheep. The idea is to allow your mind to go somewhere else by gently, but directly guiding it there. Rumination experts say that fully focusing on something else for at least ten minutes can break the cycle of dwelling. So why not give it a try? The only thing you’ve got to lose are those pesky negative thoughts.
Pencil It In
This might sound a little odd, but you should give yourself time to dwell, just not too much time. Avoiding what’s going on within us is never a good idea. It’s important to engage with ourselves, check-in, and be honest about what we are feeling. So face the problem head-on.
But remember, there’s a big difference between reflecting and obsessing. Carve out a window to obsess and stick to it. Let’s say you make your weekly date to dwell from 7 to 8 p.m. Once your time is up, cut yourself off. This way, you’ll be able to think through the things that plague you without allowing them to consume you and your daily life. So make this “thinking time” constructive.
Consider writing down all of your thoughts from the moment the hour begins. This way, you are giving the things plaguing you your full attention, but you’re doing so in a way that will provide clarity rather than chaos. The more often you do this, the less likely you are to dwell at other, nonscheduled times. And if you find your mind wandering anyway, there are some other tips on this list that will help.
Practice Mindfulness
Per The Mayo Clinic, “Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. Practicing mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress.”
So focus your awareness on the present moment and calmly recognize and accept exactly where you’re at and how you’re feeling. Notice your thoughts. Notice your bodily sensations. The beauty of mindfulness is, it’s never not good for your state of being. It’s one of your most accessible and valuable self-soothing tools, especially when you’re prone to ruminating. Many times, we don’t even realize we’re ruminating until we are in the thick of it. And that’s when the negative thoughts more easily take over.
When practicing mindfulness, you focus on your breathing and what is going on within. You’re addressing what’s bothering you physically, mentally, and emotionally by paying attention to what your body and mind say. You listen with getting somewhere in mind, not endlessly obsessing. You’ll arrive at perspective and peace of mind with clearer solutions to what felt like unsolvable problems and ultimately, you’ll let go where you need to. But more on that later.
Think of Best and Worst Case Scenarios
Even if it’s difficult at first, “What’s the worst that could happen?” is a critical question to ask yourself when you’re dwelling, rather than continue avoiding it. Then ask yourself, “How would I cope?” If you visualize yourself handling the situations you simply can’t fathom or you’re afraid to think about, you’re preparing yourself for the most extreme outcomes. This will alleviate some anxiety. So keep going. Ask yourself about the likelihood of the worst-case scenario. Follow it up with the best possible outcomes. By imagining the worst-case scenario, how you’d deal with it, and then the best possible outcome, you’ll more easily relax when you need it most. We all know how draining dwelling can be.
Identify Your Triggers
Our worries are not always as random or constant as they appear. Most times, there’s a pattern in our worries. And identifying the common denominator can be very helpful. Recognizing patterns can help us learn how to prevent rumination by recognizing the patterns that lead to it. When we look back over what we deem as our mistakes and what they had in common, we repeat mistakes we later ruminate on less.
Reach Out
Call someone you enjoy talking to. Meet up for coffee. No matter what, turn to someone you can trust to be there when your thoughts feel out of control. And it’s okay to ask them to be. Or perhaps, they’re already that person. You just need to call your best friend or family member more often. When problems weigh us down, those we can talk to allow us to lift the weight of our thoughts and consider other perspectives instead of spinning and spiraling.
Focus on The Positive
One of the best things we can do when we’re burying ourselves in the negative is to focus on the positive for a moment. Set a timer to do it for just a few minutes. By the time you’re done, you may not feel the need to keep dwelling quite so strongly. Write down the things that make you happy. Read them when you start dwelling.
When we lighten up on ourselves, prepare for possible outcomes, find gratitude for what we’ve learned, and forgive ourselves the way a friend would for our mistakes, it’s easier to cope. And if you feel like you can’t do it alone, go to your friend or family member that you trust and ask them to hold you accountable.
Keep Learning to Let Go
To stop dwelling means letting go of negative thoughts. Learning to let go is one of the most important steps to take if you want to stop dwelling and put your restless mind at ease. Everybody makes mistakes. It’s important that we learn from the situation and accept what we cannot change. When we learn from a situation and forgive ourselves, we grow. We leave the dwelling in the past and move forward. And always remind yourself: you deserve your own compassion and understanding. We’re all only human, after all.
