Spending time with your family during the holiday season can be fraught even in the best of times. Sadly, this is 2020. The best of times, it is not.
And while there’s quite a possibility that you’ll be seeing less of your family than in years past, which presents its own fair share of problems, for those of us who will, the current state of the world will probably make things a bit touchier than normal.
So today, let’s talk about some ways you can get through obligatory family get togethers while maintaining some semblance of sanity.
Lower Your Expectations
Let’s face it, no matter how many times we may have been let down in the past, there’s always a part of us that wants our family to change just a little bit. That might mean holding out hope for them to suddenly drop habits that get under your skin. Or finally agree with you on sticky topics like politics or religion. Or miraculously apologizing for hurtful things they’ve done in the past.
Sadly, these are all fool’s errands.
No matter how many conversations you might have, or articles you might share, or breakthroughs you might think you’ve accomplished, you’re still going to disagree on some fundamental things. And just like you wouldn’t let their arguments sway your views on life, they’re unlikely to “see the light” despite your best efforts.
This year, maybe it’s time to take a cue from the AA playbook. Look for the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
This year might present some unique challenges, but you’ve definitely been here before. So you should also know how to avoid some major pitfalls.
If you don’t agree with your family on the topics of politics, religion, or the pandemic, establish early on that you won’t engage in those conversations. If a certain family member loves to criticize your weight/wardrobe/love life, remind yourself that their opinions are about them, not you. And if you know you’ll be emotionally drained after an entire day around the fam, make plans to arrive as late as possible and leave earlier than you normally would.
You’ll probably get a little pushback, especially if you haven’t been the best at establishing boundaries with them up until this point. But in the end, only you can protect your own mental health. And no one deserves access to your emotional energy 24/7.
Give Up the Illusion of Control
Sadly, even the strongest boundaries will be tested by demanding families. If you can’t nip problem convos in the bud, or convince busybodies to back off, try to take an “it is what it is” approach.
You can’t dictate other people’s opinions, or their responses to yours. And any attempt to control such things actually puts you further under their control.
Every member of your family has a unique history that makes them behave the ways that they do. They have their own stories of trauma and pain. And it’s not your responsibility to change that behavior.
All you can do is approach them with love and empathy. And you might find that focusing on things that you do love and admire about them not only improves your own mood, but helps you gracefully steer these encounters toward more positive topics.
If, however, their behavior is truly harmful or abusive, you have every right, and even responsibility, to remove yourself from the situation entirely.
Find the Humor
Sometimes, your best bet in emerging from a family gathering unscathed is to become a participant observer.
That means objectively observing situations that would normally bother you with the intention of telling the story to someone. When you take on this mindset, you can often uncover comedy gold.
Honestly, the worse your family’s behavior is, the funnier the story will be.
You could even turn the whole night into a game of Dysfunctional Family Bingo. Did Uncle Bob get drunk and go on a MAGA rant? Check. Did your great aunt ask when you were going to have kids again? Check check. Did your Mom and her sister get in their annual spat over how to cook the turkey? You get the idea.
Commiserate With an Ally
Finally, make sure you have someone you can vent to when this whole thing is over. Those stories need to be released into the wild when all is said and done. The world deserves to hear your new standup routine.
Bonus points if this person is a sibling or cousin that was actually there, but having a friend you can call to rehash everything is important too. This will help you process the day(s)’ events, and put everything into perspective.
And who knows, once you get it all out of your system, you might have made space in your mind to actually appreciate everything you’re grateful for this Thanksgiving. Like your family.
