Have you ever been in a meeting at work where you share an idea, only to have a coworker–or even your boss–restate the idea as if they had just thought of it? Do you get told that you’re overreacting, or are the issues you bring up dismissed as unimportant or “already fixed”? Are your accomplishments minimized? Are you promised something–a raise, a promotion–that never materializes, and when you ask about it, everyone acts like the original conversation never happened?
That’s gaslighting, and it can undermine your career in a major way.
What Is Gaslighting?
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film Gaslight starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Bergman plays a beautiful heiress whose husband meticulously convinces her that she’s insane. It’s truly a great film, and if you’re at all interested in classic cinema you should check it out. Not to spoil a 75-year-old movie, but here’s the pivotal scene:
The tactics used by Boyer’s character in this scene are chillingly familiar to victims of gaslighting by intimate partners. However, this type of abusive manipulation isn’t limited to romantic relationships. An increasing number of people are realizing that gaslighting happens in the workplace, too.
Fighting Back Can Feel Futile
It’s been almost 40 years since controversial political strategist Lee Atwater claimed that perception is reality, yet the idea still has a profound effect on modern business. Add gaslighting tactics to the mix, and you’ve got a situation that can quite literally drive you crazy.
When it seems like everyone around you is living in a different reality, you start to question your own perceptions. Maybe you remembered the details of that meeting incorrectly. Maybe your coworker had mentioned that idea earlier and you just forgot. Maybe you’re not as good at your job as you thought.
Gaslighting can eat away at your confidence and make you question everything about what you believe. The result is often that you stop speaking out and standing up for yourself–which is exactly what the gaslighter wanted. It’s no coincidence that this happens more often to women in the workplace. And, perhaps most frustratingly of all, when we try to fight back against gaslighting, women are told to act rational and stop getting emotional. Fun, huh?
People typically use this type of psychological manipulation to stay in control. It’s usually someone in a superior position manipulating a subordinate, but peers can gaslight, too. Coworkers might manipulate you in order to gain an advantage or make themselves look better to the boss. In any case, it’s often very difficult to prove. If perception is reality, then gaslighters are masters at warping reality to suit themselves.
Is There Anything You Can Do?
If you’re feeling hopelessly frustrated right now, I get it. But you don’t have to just accept the gaslighter’s reality–or start looking for a new job.
One of your strongest weapons in fighting back against a gaslighter is to document everything. Email is your friend in this situation. Communicate in writing whenever possible and keep a record of the messages. It’ll be a lot harder for them to twist reality if you’ve got the receipts.
Ask plenty of clarification questions in these emails. If your boss has a habit of shifting goalposts and blaming you for failing to reach them, ask something like, “In today’s meeting, you said the project was due at the end of the month. Just wanted to confirm I have the details correct.”
Another way to fight back is to set firm boundaries. Gaslighters are essentially bullies who use psychological manipulation instead of physical violence. They will often back down when faced with a victim who is suddenly confident and self-assured. This type of abuse undermines your intuition, making you doubt yourself at a deep level. Reclaiming that part of yourself can make a big impact.
However, direct confrontation is rarely the best option. Gaslighters will play the victim card so fast, your head will spin. Instead of being confrontational, simply present them with a cold, blank wall. Be professional but icy.
Finally, be prepared to take your evidence to HR. Going over the person’s head is a risky move that could backfire, but at a certain point it may be your only option. If they’re not able or willing to help, then it’s probably time to start looking for a new job. Gaslighting can create a toxic, out-of-touch workplace for everyone. Once you’re out of there, you can breathe again.
