What is it about the holidays that makes it so hard to say no?
No, I don’t want to spend Christmas at my mother-in-law’s house.
No, I don’t want to give Uncle Frank a hug.
No, I’m not accepting gifts this year.
No, I don’t want you to give my kid any more sugar.
Those statements might sound ungrateful, even rude. A bold, unvarnished “no” is a rare thing in our culture. During the holidays, we feel even more pressure to agree to things we’d rather not do. Our boundaries–assuming we have any–get trampled over like we’re on the losing side of a game of Risk.
Saying No Could Save Your Life
This year’s holiday season is especially challenging because of the pandemic. Some family members may be insisting that you “get back to normal” and hold your annual gatherings despite the CDC warnings. We’re still waiting to see how Thanksgiving will impact COVID numbers this month. It’s wildly optimistic to think that we can gather as in the happy olden days of yore with friends and family this year.
So what do you say if you’re invited to a holiday celebration? The great thing about “No” is that it’s a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain yourself. If the person issuing the invitation continues to press you, just keep repeating “No” as if it’s your personal mantra.
Sure, you can dress it up as “No, thank you.” That’s a little more polite. But if you start trying to justify your refusal, many people will take that as an opportunity to debate the issue. Before you know it, you’ve been sucked into an argument with your cousin who thinks the virus is a hoax or transmitted by 5G towers. Not a great way to start the holiday season.
Some particularly pushy folks may keep insisting until you finally give in. Loved ones can use all kinds of dirty tricks, including guilt, passive-aggression, and other underhanded manipulations. If that happens, your best course of action is to use this script:
I said no, and I will not continue to discuss this matter. How strange that you keep bringing it up!
Ice cold, right? Sometimes, a bucket of cold water is the only way to snap someone out of their bad behavior.
Setting Boundaries Can Make Your Life Better
Family gatherings during a global pandemic aside, holidays can put a lot of stress and obligations on our shoulders. There’s the pressure of finding the “perfect” gift for everyone on your list–whether you have the resources to do so or not.
Thankfully, the majority of gift swaps and parties are canceled this year, so you won’t be scrambling to buy a new outfit or come up with a clever white elephant gift. And if someone in your circle does want to host a holiday bash, make like a middle schooler in the 90s and Just Say No.
Everyone’s resource levels are different. Folks who live with chronic illness, for example, often don’t have as much energy, time, and other resources. Caretakers of young children or elderly parents may be in a similar situation. People dealing with grief, mental illness, job loss, and other stressors need to carve out more space for themselves. You should never feel guilty about needing to set boundaries. Frankly, the people who keep pushing those boundaries are the ones who should be ashamed.
Some topics may need to be off-limits for your wellbeing, as well. It’s okay to tell someone that you will not be discussing your job/love life/health/weight/etc. Remember, you don’t need to justify or explain yourself. Stay calm and gently yet firmly reinforce the limits you set:
I am not having a conversation about that with you. Let’s talk about something else.
If someone can’t respect those boundaries, then they don’t respect you. That’s not a person you need in your life. Your final power move, if all else fails, is to walk away, hang up the phone, or close the Zoom window.
