Is it okay to not be okay? That’s the question a modern-day Hamlet might ask himself while scrolling through Instagram, looking at happy, sun-soaked photos of beautiful people.
Toxic positivity sounds like a contradiction at first. But researchers are finding increasing evidence that the “good vibes only” mentality, so common in social media and self-help books, could actually be bad for you.
Accentuate the Positive
The idea that we should focus on the good things in life is nothing new. In the 1940s, as WWII raged on, a popular song performed by Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters told us to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Sam Cooke, Ella Fitzgerald, Paul McCartney and Aretha Franklin all recorded covers of it over the decades.
But the idea is much, much older than that. In his book The One Simple Idea: How Positive Thinking Reshaped Modern Life, author Mitch Horowitz followed the history of positivity. He found the concept in the work of Norman Vincent Peale and Napoleon Hill. Earl Nightingale, an early self-help guru, claimed that the message resonated throughout time and space:
“In the writings of every era, from the Taoist philosophy of Lao Tzu to the Stoic meditations of the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius to the Transcendentalist essays of Emerson, the same truth appeared, over and over. . . We become what we think about.”
Positive thinking never really went away, but it roared into the forefront of Western culture thanks to The Secret in 2006. Creator Rhonda Byrne’s “law of attraction” stated that you could literally reshape your reality through the power of positive visualization. Oprah embraced the film and book with open arms, and it became a runaway bestseller.
Critics of The Secret have pointed out the logical flaws, unscientific claims, and recycled ideas. Parts of the book echo the New Thought movement of the early 19th century, founded by an ex-clockmaker named Phineas Quimby (I can’t make this stuff up) who claimed that you could heal yourself through the power of positive thought.
Considering that an estimated 1 in 5 adults in America will experience mental illness in their lives, that type of mindset could be downright dangerous. Many people do not seek treatment because they feel like mental illness is a personal failing. The American philosophy of “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps,” of a rugged individualism that denies all help and places responsibility for your success or failure squarely on your own shoulders, is toxic as heck, y’all.
How Positivity Turns Toxic
Good Vibes Only
Live, Laugh, Love
Too Blessed to Be Stressed
What do all those phrases have in common, other than the fact that you can buy them on a piece of faux weathered barn wood at Hobby Lobby? They’re all examples of things that sound positive and encouraging on the surface.
But there’s a darker side to these affirmations. They don’t allow any room for feelings other than happiness. The human experience is a journey filled with highs and lows, darkness and light. Pretending that everything is okay all the time can lead to some serious side effects. And since you can’t admit to those negative feelings, either, the cycle continues.
The world is a challenging place–no more so in our lifetimes than right now. The global pandemic has placed untold stress on each of us. Many people have lost loved ones. Others have lost jobs with little hope of finding employment. Whole industries have sunk as COVID-19 forced us to isolate, while others–especially healthcare workers–are overburdened to the breaking point and beyond. Fear, anger, and sadness are completely understandable reactions.
Yet most people, when confronted with bad news, try to find the silver lining. They rush to make the negative, uncomfortable feelings go away, either by offering solutions or minimizing your pain.
Lost your job? Well, at least your partner is still working. Have you thought about going back to school? Hey, my cousin is hiring for a completely unrelated, entry-level position! Don’t worry, look on the bright side, everything will be okay….
So Is Doom Our Only Option?
Many of us learn pretty early on to put our negative emotions far out of sight where they won’t bother anyone. Social media has made the problem worse, allowing us to show only a carefully curated version of our lives to each other. We choose the best angles, crop out the ugly stuff, slap a filter on top and pretend it’s authentic. #LivingMyBestLife.
Multiple studies have shown that denying or repressing negative emotions only feeds them. The harder you try to look on the bright side, the darker those shadows get. And, frankly, sometimes things don’t turn out okay. Ignoring that possibility by pretending it’ll all be fine means that we don’t develop the coping skills and resiliency to needed to heal.
I’m showing my age here, but in the first season finale of Daria, the students of her high school face an unexpected tragedy. They don’t know how to deal with it, and they all turn to “misery chick” Daria for advice on how to cope. But Daria isn’t miserable, or least not miserable all the time. She’s just more open to grappling with complicated, uncomfortable issues than the rest of her peers.
Learning to deal with negative emotions–both our own and those of others–is a lifelong process. The first step is to acknowledge them. Being more aware of your internal weather can help you understand your feelings. And once you understand them, you can find ways to manage them that are healthier than denial.
Negative emotions let us know that something is wrong, just as pain can tell us that we’re hurt or sick. They’re also an important part of living a balanced, thoughtful life. Pixar’s Inside Out is a beautiful exploration of how single-minded joy can be just as harmful as unmitigated sadness. We’re not built to be happy all the time, and the pursuit of happiness is, in my opinion, a misguided goal.
Your feelings are valid, even the “bad” ones. Surround yourself with people who get it. Talk to your loved ones about how you’re feeling, and listen to them in return. Writing in a journal can help, too. Accept your feelings, thank them for their lessons, and then let them go.
Oh, and just one more thing. If sadness, anger, fear, or numbness are taking over your life, making it almost impossible to feel anything else, then it might be time to talk to a mental health professional. There’s no shame in needing help.
