‘Our Flag Means Death’ Non-Pirate Zodiac Signs

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We might not have two seasons but we now have two astrological articles about this delightful piratical comedy!

Yesterday we paired all of the Pirates from Our Flag Means Death with the zodiac signs. But there are several great non-pirate characters in this show that I wish to write about as well. 

Read on to find out which character matches up with your zodiac sign. Don’t forget to check your moon and rising signs as well as your sun signs. If you don’t know your sun, moon, and rising signs, you can check them here!

Aries- Evelyn Higgins (a.k.a. Eye-Patch goddess)

I’m going to give you a hypothetical situation. You find yourself in possession of a dead body that you need to get rid of quickly. What zodiac sign do you call? Aries, of course! And it is for that reason and that reason alone why Evelyn Higgins would be an excellent Aries. She shows her loyalty to her friend Mary by offering several times to kill her husband

Taurus- Mary Bonnet (a.k.a. The widowed artist)

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Yes, I paired Mary with the same sign that I paired her late/ex/estranged husband with. Mary knows how to make widowhood work for her. After Stede left, she led a life full of luxury, art, and lovemaking. Like any good Taurean, she likes her life to be exactly the way she wants it, and that is why she hates it when Stede comes back and messes it all up. She is also supportive of Stede when he confesses his love for Ed in true Taurean mom-friend fashion.

Gemini- King George (a.k.a. Not the mad one)

In real life, King George was born somewhere between May 28th and June 7th, so he actually was a Gemini. But that is not the only reason why he is designated to this spot on the list. Geminis are verbally and literarily talented, and in the show, the King enjoys issuing decrees. He may not write them himself but he does dictate them. He is also like a Gemini in that he is incredibly indecisive when it comes to naming the Act of Grace.

Cancer- Karl and his wife (a.k.a. The reason I need Prozac)

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All the Cancerians reading this hate me right now. Put down your pitchforks and let me explain. Karl the seagull is a moonchild (a nickname commonly associated with Cancers), because he is a devoted friend to his Sagittarian companion, Buttons. He is right by his side until the bitter end. His seagull wife also aligns with the water sign because like all Cancerians she likes to keep her home, er, nest in order and wants to bring her bird husband back to their safe space.

I’ll never forgive Calico Jack for what he did. I’m still not over it.

Leo- Gabriel (a.k.a. Obligatory Nick Kroll cameo)

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This placement could have easily gone to Antoinette because she and Gabriel have so much in common. Too much in common if you ask me. Yesterday, I paired Ed with Leo because he exemplifies all of Leo’s wonderful traits. Gabriel on the other hand demonstrates all the traits of a Leo who has not emotionally matured yet. He is very entertaining and a fantastic dresser, but he is also ostentatious and highly conceited.

Virgo- Geraldo (a.k.a. The least favorite husband)

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Poor Geraldo. I can’t help but feel bad for him. Like a Virgo, he was so loyal to Spanish Jackie despite his timid nature. And it is sad to know that his loyalty was so misplaced since she shot him without giving it a second thought. Also, one could argue that selling Stede out to the Spanish is a pragmatic move that only the mutable earth sign would make.

Libra- Doug (a.k.a. A sweet angel baby, but not as sweet as Oluwande)

Not many men could sit by as they watched the perceived dead husband of the woman they love waltz back into her life. But then again, I don’t think many people have been put into that situation. Doug handles the return of Stede with grace and decorum just like a diplomatic Libra. He is also very helpful and trustworthy when it comes to faking Stede’s death.

Scorpio- Antoinette (a.k.a. The obligatory Kristen Schaal cameo)

This placement could have easily gone to Gabriel because he and Antoinette…eh, there is no sense in making the same joke twice. Antoinette is a Scorpio because she arrogantly assumes that she is better than Ed because he doesn’t know which fork to use at dinner. She also shares the water signs’ sensuality and flirtatious nature. However, I think we would all prefer it if she wasn’t flirty and sensual with her own brother.

Sagittarius- The Nun (a.k.a. Wasn’t she in Orange Is The New Black?)

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Sagittarians would make good nuns because they are introspective and concerned with spiritual and transcendental matters. The Nun, or Nana, in this show would make a good Sagittarius because of her fiery temper and her judgmental attitude towards her ward, Jim, when she learns that they have only killed one of the mercenaries responsible for their father’s death.

Capricorn- General Badminton (a.k.a. The Bad Mitten)

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Before all the Capricorns get upset with me for pairing them up with an antagonist, remember I paired Cancer up with birds. So, I don’t know, chill, maybe? 

With his superior leadership skills and his self-important personality, General Badminton fits many of the qualities associated with the cardinal earth sign. Capricorns value practicality, and one of the first things that Badminton does is point out how impractical Stede’s ship is.

Aquarius- Chief Mabo (a.k.a. The guy who should’ve had more screen time)

Aquarians are known to be exceptional listeners who offer great advice. Chief Mabo exemplifies these traits when he listens to Stede’s plight and offers his wisdom and guidance. When in doubt, find an Aquarius to talk it out. I just made that up, but it’s sound advice!

Pisces- The Kraken (a.k.a. A manifestation of Ed’s trauma)

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Pisces are dreamy, imaginative, and have a tendency towards escapism. The Kraken is a creation of Ed’s own imagination that he uses to cope with the fact that he killed his abusive father. In a way, the Kraken is the ultimate Pisces because it is itself a form of escapism. 

My editor is going to think I wrote that last line while celebrating 4/20.

Ophiuchus- HBOMAX (a.k.a. The streaming service with all the naked people on it)

HBOmax has not renewed this glorious show for a second season yet so it has been paired with the fake zodiac sign, Ophiuchus!

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